As you all can tell, I am thoroughly enjoying my spring break. Which is why I haven’t been popping in to say hello at all.
I have been doing a little work here and there, doing a little running here and there, and doing a lot of sleeping and watching TV. Also coaching. Lots of coaching. I am absolutely loving it so far. It is exhausting and probably the reason I haven’t been running but I love it and am so happy that I offered to help out. It takes up about 3-4 hours of my afternoon, but that would just be time I would be in my bed anyways so it’s probably a good thing. I honestly haven’t been keeping up with my half marathon training schedule. Half my family had a stomach bug this past weekend which made me think I had a pseudo stomach bug and used that as an excuse to not run – oops.
Let’s get down to the nitty gritty. Today wasn’t a good day. It started just fine. But when the past gets brought in – even in the slightest way, things are always going to be brought back to the present.
I went to visit a friend and her brand new baby girl. This friend is someone I met and became close with thanks to my ex. We still keep in touch and I am happy that we have stayed in contact like we have. I was so happy to be able to go meet her beautiful baby girl. But of course, things were bound to get brought up. “How are things?” They aren’t. “Do you talk?” Occasionally. “Why?” It’s comfortable.
And once I get going, I get what I like to call emotional word vomit. And long story short, it just ended up not being the best day emotionally. I know I will continue to have days that are worse than others. And I’m happy to say that lately most of my days have been good ones. But when I talk to other people about certain things, I start to feel guilty for the occasional “Hey, how are you?”, “Did you see the new US Men’s team jerseys?”, “How is practice going?”. And I shouldn’t have to feel guilty.
I have accepted that I will soon be in a better place because of this. I know that everything happens for a reason and I truly believe that they do. I have accepted that I am not a part of his life. But I still struggle sometimes with the fact that he has to be completely out of my life. And it’s a two way street. When someone is in your life for 4 years, it’s not an easy see-ya-never-good-bye.
I don’t know where I’m going with this. I guess I just needed to get some things out. And I need to stop looking back. To stop going back to the things that broke me. To stop trying to make things better. To stop trying at all and just let things happen how they should. Because…